A Problem No one Nose The Solution To
by MelonLordOfMelons
Summary: Just a crack story about old Voldie's problems. Had been in my other story but I felt it best to let it stand alone.


Lucius entered the meeting room that the dark lord had asked to occupy for a meeting with the other death eaters of high rank. Lucius bowed next to the chair of the dark lord before sitting in his own seat. He couldn't help but wonder what it was that he forgot today. As the last few Death Eaters entered he suddenly realized that the dark lord was wearing a dark purple robe...

Lucius then realized he had asked all of the other death eaters to wear the same color at the meeting. He had been so occupied on cleaning his candy bird collection that he had forgotten. He looked at the other death eaters and realized by their constipated expressions that they had realized what they'd forgotten as well. Then the doors opened to Snape walking in, clothed in dark purple robes.

"At least someone got the memo." The dark lord nodded to Snape who nodded back as he sat in the only empty seat.

"My lord, may i ask why we were asked to wear the robes?" Asked Lucius who was then hit with a Crucio for a few seconds.

"Why yes you may Lucious." Said Voldemort. After a few seconds of silence.

"Um, yes. Well, why did you ask us to wear dark purple robes?" Asked Lucious who was then hit by a Crucio. Again...

"I'll tell you the tale as it happened my loyal follower." Said Voldemort.

He was close... so close. He had cornered the young wizard by his home following the dementors that had been sent after him. After driving them back so he could face his enemy, Voldemort watched the boy panic.

"Well, hello Harry Potter. Are you ready to join your parents?" Asked Voldemort.

"Sorry, i can't hear you, you don't have a nose." Replied Harry.

"Wait, what?" Asked Voldemort, befuddled.

"I'm sorry if your ears don't work because you have no nose, but i cannot hear you. You have no nose." Said Harry. Voldemort then realized the problem and left to summon his Death Eaters.

"And that is my tale..." Finished Voldemort.

"You still haven't told us why you asked us to wear dark purple my lord." Said Lucius again, to which he received yet another Crucio.

"My lord, why did you ask us to wear purple?" Asked Snape.

"Dark purple signifies that we are going to have a cease fire until this problem is solved... I need a nose or i cannot wipe my victory in my enemies face!" Said the dark lord.

"Did you try sign language?" Asked Lucius to which he got enough Crucio to incapacitate.

"Brilliant idea!" Said Voldemort as he ripped off the dark purple robe showing his black one had been underneath all along. Snape then ripped off his robe to show he was wearing a pink apron underneath. Then Voldemort walked out of the room shouting behind him "Meeting over! Thanks for coming." The rest of the death eaters left a passed out Lucius alone for his wife to deal with until the next meeting three months later.

"My lord, may I ask why you called us here and asked us to wear blue robes?" Asked Lucius, who got a stool thrown at his face. He then realized he should not speak to the dark lord until he remembered one of his memos.

The dark lord used sign to tell his tale with Severus interpreting for him.

It was as the boy was out weeding the garden at his muggle relative's house. He had fought the boy to the ground and was signing his prowess and dominance until the boy realized he was not making the usual villain hands rubbing to gather motion but was instead trying to communicate with him.

"I'm sorry i don't know sign language Voldy." Said Harry who had a few bruises from the scuffle.

"I see." Said Snape who was wearing a blue robe.

"Yes it's a hard problem to solve." Said Bellatrix. She was not wearing a blue robe but Voldemort did not throw as stool at her. He didn't want to be attacked on his tumblr for hitting a girl with a stool.

"Why not write it down?" Asked Bellatrix. Voldemort got a smile on his face as he realized what a fool proof plan that was. The boy needed to write his acceptance letter so he should be able to read and write. He then swiftly removed his blue robe showing his green night robe with fluffy ends and ducks.

"What?" He asked. "I was stewing in bed after the humiliation and decided to call a meeting instead of having a bad night. Said Voldemort as he left. Lucius dodged the stool but the curse still hit him.

"My lord. " Said Bellatrix who was now wearing a dark green robe three days after the last meeting.

Lord Voldemort began writing on a peice of paper his tale of woe.

No one could understand so this is lost to translation.

"My lord you have bad handwriting." Said Lucius who was in a red robe and was swiftly dealt a stool. "My house elf put this in with the reds only it was green i swear!" He was then hit by another stool and out cold.

"I believe i see the problem my lord... you have handwriting so good that we cannot read it." Said a Snape, wearing dark green, which gave Voldemort a proud grin.

"I believe i have the solution my lord..." Said Bellatrix

Three days later all of the death eaters were gathered in Malfoy manner again, all wearing salmon (not pink!) except Snape who decided to wear a sassy orange.

"What happened this time lord?" Asked Lucius who expected a stool but was relived to have nothing aimed at his face.

"The face magician said they could not give me a nose... apparently my magic reacts badly with the equipment and broke evrything before they even started." Said a distraught Voldemort. "I fear we will wear these robes forever." Said Voldemort sagging in his seat.

Twenty years later Voldemort had still been looking for an answer. In his desperation he stood outside the Potter house having their Christmas dinner and stared into the window at the nemesis who had bested him. NO! HE WAS VOLDEMORT! THE ANGEL OF DEATH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NO POTTER WOULD BEST HIM! He looked around and finally saw the answer.

Voldemort knocked on the door and Harry Potter was surprised to see Voldemort at his door holding up a carrot to his face. Between his eyes and a little down. He then realized that Voldemort had found a way to beat him and then stared at his pink robe.

"Voldemort are you a girl?" Asked Harry.

"What NO!" Said Voldemort. "It's salmon not pink!"

"Ew get away from me girls have kooties!" Shouted Harry as ha slammed the door in Voldemort's face.

 **I can honestly say i had fun with this one and wrote this within an hour XD my mind is a wonderful place. :3 My sister helped and added her own flare and spell checked form me.**


End file.
